Pabst Blue Ribbon

Yeah, I had to do it. I was at Old Chicago with my buddy Jeff yesterday, which so happens to be Beer Tour Wednesday. For those who aren't in the know, every Wednesday, Old Chicago will feature a beer (usually unique and obscure) that will count for four beers on one's quest to conquer the World Beer Tour.

Well, the story goes on, and we discover that the 'unique and obscure' beer of their offering just so happened to be the infamous PBR, or Pabst Blue Ribbon. I was jumping for joy, let me tell ya. So what's the excitement about? Blatantly put, I wouldn't pick this beer up just for the heck of it. I've gotta have a pretty good reason. Available most places for $5.99 a 12 pack (yeah, you heard me right), the stuff is akin to some of the more inexpensive beers you can buy.

Pabst Brewing company was founded in 1844, and has a strong will for adhering to tradition. Maybe too strong. They tend to be fans of locality and culture of particular regions, given different brews like 'Lone Star' and 'Old Style.' A quick glance at their other brands reveals several traditionally laughable brands such as Colt 45 and Schlitz. My biology professor was discussing digestion one day and cracked a joke about Schlitz. But that's for another day.

So being the objective type of person I am, I decide to put away my prejudices and preconceptions, and go for it. After all, every beer I take a look at can't be absolutely fantastic, can it? Maybe I'll see this one as something different this time. Probably not, but oh well. It's worth a shot.

PBR won a blue ribbon, hence its name, back in the late 1800's. From Pabst's website:

Our beer was originally called "Select," but people started asking for that "Blue Ribbon" beer in 1882 when we started tying silk ribbons to the bottles. We officially added the words "Blue Ribbon" to the bottle in 1895. Pabst was the first brewery to put beer in cans way back in 1935. This was Blue Ribbon beer but it was called "Export" when sold in the can. Our first cans had a picture of a can opener on the side with instructions on how to open the can of beer, with the can opener.

During World War II, Pabst Blue Ribbon beer cans were painted olive drab at the factory for military use. All of the canned beer was for the military. Pabst Blue Ribbon beer was not sold to civilians in cans during the war because of tin rationing.

So the taste test began. I took an initial sip, and I was stung with a blast of carbonation. And then came that taste. That sour, stinky, warm beer taste that even the poorest of frat boys loathe. Keep in mind that particular PBR was ice cold.

...and that's all there really is to the taste. It hits your mouth and dies. In an emergency situation (use your imagination on that one), it's drinkable. For comparison's sake, take a warm Natural Light (one of the few beer companies to spell "light" correctly, I commend them for that), and let it sit open overnight. You'll begin to see what I mean, and you can skip the PBR all together.

I had to work to choke it all down. It seemed like such a waste to dump those calories and maltose sugars in me when I clearly wasn't interested in compliance. On Pabst's website, they indicate that one 'wouldn't be at home' dropping a motor into a car or changing the oil without a PBR by their side. I think I'd rather take the motor oil. And no, not Guinness. But hey - maybe It would get better?

It didn't. Drink this one as quickly as you can. It gets worse with age. No decanting on this one, ladies and gents. I moved on to Sierra Nevada's Porter. A beer never tasted so good.

Pabst Blue Ribbon
Character: 15 points - I had to give this one some points for being so terrible. There aren't too many beers out there that one just completely laughs to themselves when asked if they would like one.
Exclusivity: 5 points - Available everywhere, predominantly in boothill regions. No offense to my country lovin' friends, as I'm sure they enjoy a good beer as well. I'm just stating matter of fact.
Flavor: 1 point - I'm being generous with this one. Order of preference: A good beer > water > corona > club soda > gasoline > pea soup > rubber cement > PBR.
Originality: 5 points - This was probably a respectable beer in the late 1800's, but that was also when cholera and diphtheria were prevalant, and muddy lake water was just fine. This stuff is probably still made with that water, and whatever else they put in it definitely kills any diseases that might be inhabiting your cold, refreshing beverage of choice.
Versatility: 3 points - This beer has two purposes. Getting wrecked, and killing diseases. Use as a substitute for Mr. Clean.

Total: 29 of 100

Beer: Pabst Blue Ribbon
Alcoholic Content: 5% ABV
"Brewed" by Pabst Brewing Company in San Antonio, Texas
American Style Pilsner
Reviewed by: Jameson Huckaba